season's greetings

as many of you know i write and produce content for the entertainment and sports industries for a living. i try hard to relate to the peeps i cover, but as we all know that's very difficult considering we aren't exactly in the same tax bracket. that said, i discovered the one way in which i can connect to those whose every little movement we chronicle with mindless minute-by-minute updates.

i could, like angelina, madonna, meg ryan and countless others, adopt some kids from an impoverished third-world country.

since the aforementioned celebrities have already "taken" just about every available and unavailable african and chinese child, i, of course, opted to adopt two poor little white boys from the west village. their names are carden and brandon and i rescued them from a private christian school in manhattan.they weren't actually enrolled there because they are, er, poor. they just showed up every day looking for someone to buy them a metro card so they could search the city for the parents who abandoned them and moved to brooklyn to be closer to the ghost of the notorious b.i.g. as you can see they are as sweet as can be and if i work it right we will be on the cover of peep-ho before you know it. then, i, too, will be able to afford better kids from more exotic locales.

but you know what, these little critters have brought more happiness to my life than my deadbeat baby daddy dwyane wade ever has. i'm so thankful that i've been able to experience the joy of parenthood just after getting my aarp card.

but, like i said, i am not as financially solvent as my celebrity friends and need all of you to contribute to this cause. look at their sweet, innocent eyes. they still twinkle when they see inspiring things like el debarge's mug shot or britney's crotch, but they rarely smile any more. and we can't afford prozac. all carden wants for christmas is a 60-inch lcd screen so that he can watch sex and the city reruns at night and feel closer to home. all brandon wants is an iphone so that he can keep in touch with his friends on greenwich street. so please, dig into your wallets and your skinny jeans and send us some C notes. tis the season of giving.

please send all contributions to:

miki turner
c/o the nigerian foundation for poor undesirable white kids
p.o. box 007
lagos, nigeria 4h3

i set up this special account for tax purposes. i'm not going down like wesley snipes.

but if you can't afford to send us any cash during these recessionary times, please know that we sincerely wish you a very ^%#$$^*@## holiday season. that goes double for you d wade!!

cheers,

miki, carden & brandon