pappy

i suppose even in our collective delusion, we knew that kalvin marcelle hicks sr., a man who never met a bottle of hennessy he didn't like, was not long for this world.

last year, the man we called pappy was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. soon after that devastating news we learned that the cancer had metastasized in his back. still, being the believer that i am, i was sure that pappy had a few more parties left in him.

i remained confident even after the frequent hospital stays, the transformation of his once lively voice into a raspy whisper, the termination of his chemo and radiation treatments and lastly after learning that he'd gotten a visit from a hospice nurse on saturday.

even after all of that today's news was still shocking.

i was making the 2.5 mile trek back home from the larchmont farmer's market this morning on my bike when i got a call from my dear friend mary. we had been missing each other for the past 24 hours. i was halfway home when mary informed me that she was on her way back to the hospital. pappy, her husband of nearly 28 years, had been having trouble breathing due to the fluid in his lungs and had requested that she ring 9-1-1.

"i'm so tired miki," she said wistfully.

"i know you are," i responded softly.

about an hour after that call--and about 40 minutes after i had spread the word to the sorors on the east coast--mary rang back. she was crying.

"i just wanted to tell you that pappy just breathed his last breath. call your mother and tell her you love her."

at the time i felt like i was inhaling my last bit of air, too. there's a weird thing that happens when you get really bad news. your brain really stops functioning and you never say the things you're thinking or feeling, thereby making you feel emotionally bankrupt. and, on top of my inability to articulate, i was just stunned. not only had i not fully grasped the seriousness of the situation earlier, but i had spent far too much time bitching about my mother's bitching to comfort my friend in a time of obvious need.

denial.

after absorbing the news i immediately started making another round of calls and texts. like me, everyone, everywhere was shocked and saddened that we had lost such a vibrant personality at age 50. pappy never went to college but he had become a favorite fixture at hampton homecomings. he drew everyone in. we all adored him. he truly was one of the lovliest and most geniune people i've ever met.

i did eventually ring mom but it's been a real struggle for me to get through the remainder of the day. i kept one eye on the meaningless, muted awards show on the telly while attempting to come up with enough clever prose to make all of my monday deadline stories sing. that was tremendously difficult. the chronic insomnia has me barely functioning on a good day and with this news i was unable to concentrate for more than a few seconds at a time.

but i've got to get it together. i've got to be there for my friend, who is experiencing the unimaginable pain of losing her best friend.

pappy, if they have hennessy up in heaven go ahead and put it on my tab.

watching the night go by

there we were sitting in row q, seats 1, 2 & 3 of the west angeles church of god in sequins--sorry, i meant christ--cathedral with thousands of other people. me, jackie and anita. three highly skilled media professionals ready to write the next chapters of our lives as we happily said goodbye to the not-so-great '08.

we, like so many other people who had entered the sanctuary on dec. 31, were more than ready to get off pity parkway and alter our respective courses. jackie would like her personal life to be as stable as her professional one. anita is looking to get out of a shaky job situation. and me, i just want shalom in the home, a great gig and a cure for my chronic insomnia.

but even though i had a firece headache and the black-eyed peas i'd eaten hours beforehand weren't agreeing with me, everything was on point during the service. the music was inspiring as was bishop blake's message. he had us all convinced that everything was going to be mighty fine in '09.

it already is.

normally, the three of us would not ever be together socially. and honestly, i didn't even want to go and not just because i wasn't feeling well. yet, god saw fit to bring us together tonight so he could reinforce his promise three-fold.

he's got our back.

and that's a good thing because he probably wasn't too happy when all three of us were responding to all those "happy new year" text messages from our friends back east while bishop blake was delivering the word.

it must have gotten through, however.

jackie, anita and i entered west a last night with an unwanted and uninvited friend called complacency, but we left this morning with our new best friend named hope.