the *%&$@#!* ex files

writing this blog is a little bit like walking down the main street of my hometown buck naked. it, in a way, exposes who i am now and who i aspire to be once i get it all figured out.

last week was so very challenging that i lost sight of myself for a moment or two. the reason? the ex's.

i had very brief encounters with four ex-boyfriends in the span of two days. that's enough to make a lesser woman reach for the vicodin, but fortunately for me my prescription had run out so i had to settle for a double-dose of rooibos tea and a pinot noir chaser.

the first encounter, we'll call him ex-a--or slacker on the dl if you like--was just a chance meeting on the street. i was speeding down the avenue one morning en route to work with the top down so i was hard to miss and vice-versa. he was on his way to the donut shop on the corner.

damn, he looked good. i waved, stopped the car and we chatted for a few seconds before the impatient driver behind me started blowing the horn.

that's probably a good thing as i was starting to have some rather unsavory thoughts. and i had begun to second guess the reasons why i kicked him to the curb--gently, of course.

geez. i am so not a morning person.

ex-b and i actually communicated via email. he invited me to his military retirement party and i accepted knowing full well i wasn't going to go. since we hadn't spoken in more than a year, i asked him if he still had his corporate gig. he wrote back saying he had been undergoing chemotherapy since february and had several more treatments to go.

since he wasn't very forthcoming with any other details i'm still not able to wrap my head around this one. ex-b totally dropped a bomb on me.

ex-c just rang out of the blue, as he is prone to do. we talked, laughed, teased and he made promises that he knows he's not going to keep. while these sporadic calls still make my heart go aflutter, they're starting to get pretty old.

sort of like the both of us.

ex-d rang up one day and invited me to lunch at one of our old haunts. i hauled ass to get there because like ex-c, i always fall under his spell. given a chance, i'd like to remove the "ex" from in front of his name.

and then the current beau who is somewhere in between boy and friend these days, started blowing up my celly, too. i think he's at the point where he's channeling his inner r.kelly.

he don't see nuthin' wrong with a little bump-and-grind.

thankfully, i didn't have too much time to dwell on these untimely random encounters because i was way too busy covering the tv critics tour and hanging out with friends from out of town with what little down time i had. once the tour ended, however, i found myself discussing the ex's with a variety of folks from close friends to sanaa lathan.

for the record, she's a great listener. and even though she's 14 years my junior, she dropped some wisdom on me that i'll keep to myself at this time. what she said, however, definitely helped me plug up the holes in my head.

i concluded that what happened last week was god's way of getting me to determine what it is i want so that he can wrap it up in a bow and fed-ex it to me (priority overnight). i think, however, he should send it via ground service. i may need some more time to really figure that out.

until i do i will keep working at this feverish pace, get my breasts squished on thursday, have lunch with rrr immediately afterward, pick up an iphone on friday, edit video and wish my dad a happy 93rd birthday on the train to san diego on saturday, interview tyrese for the 2 billionth time on sunday, cruise up to the bay with gaby on monday, drop some dimes at my favorite restaurant in the world--lecheval in oakland--on monday, talk to some folks about my future on tuesday and head back home on wednesday.

and on the seventh day i will rest. perhaps, that's when i'll start to get it. i'd call ms. cleo but i think she's still on lockdown.

there is something positive, however, that emerged from all my confusion. i heard from a very reliable source that chris brown is into older women. that totally ex-cites me.

i wonder if i can keep blogging from jail?

or from the sanitarium?

get well soon ex-b.

photo: mik's four ex's immortalized in cape town for their contributions to women worldwide.